Okay, there is this professor in Russia who has a theory about how America is going to collapse into a civil war and then break into several different groups.
Okay, that’s not the part I’ve got an issue with, because I’ve already told my Texan friends to scout me out some good real estate as soon as they succeed.
The funny part of this is his map.
Yes, because Alaska is going to go back to Russia… Yep. That’s going to go over well. Sarah Palin and Vladamir Putin could go hunting together. The Russians couldn’t defeat Afghanistan, I don’t really know how well they would do against a bunch of people who shoot moose off their porch with .338 Win mags for fun. Alaskans are tough. Anybody who lives somewhere where the local animals will eat you and the weather can kill you in minutes tend to have their priorities in order.
I love how Mexico is going to take over Texas, Alabama, and Mississippi… Good luck with that! I think that it would actually be the other way around. I think there was a period in time where that blue part of the map was known as the Confederacy. They’ll probably get along just fine. In fact, President Chuck Norris of Texabamaianaippi (Damn, what is it with you southerners and all those vowels? Are you Polynesian or something?) will just wait until Swine Flu wipes out Mexico and then they’ll go down and build condos there and drill for oil. I’m willing to be the Texabamans would have no problem securing their border.
The Eastern states will join the EU. Okay, that part I could actually believe, except somehow he’s got Tennesee and Kentucky in there. Okay, if you’ve been there, you’ve got to admit that the idea of Nashville in the EU is kind of hilarious. I nominate my buddy Echo Tango to be the ambassador to the World Court. I’m trying to picture a very angry southerner choking out Belgian diplomats.
(actually, wait a second, maybe it would be in Texabama’s best interests to become part of Mexico, because then they could sneak across the unsecured border into the New EU to get free emergency room healthcare, free education, and all those other perks. They could say that they’re just doing the job that Vermonters won’t do… I’ll have to consult with Chuck Norris on this next time we’re playing golf with Rush Limbaugh and Ted Nugent at the NeoCon convention)
Montana and Wyoming will be conquored by CANADA. Oh, man, that’s good. I love how Montana and Wyoming will naturally fall in line with Illinois. Because they have so very much in common. When I think of obvious sister cities I think of Chicago and Bozeman. Then they will all be dominated by CANADA. Okay, everytime I type that out it makes me laugh out loud.
A community organizer in Wyoming is the guy on horseback stopping traffic on mainstreet while they run a herd of cows through town.
And last but not least, Idaho and Utah will fall in with California (logically), and we’ll all be taken over by China…
I’m going to go out on a bit of a limb here, and guess that the good crack smoking professor has never actually been to America other than with Google Earth.
If America were to ever fragment it certainly would not be along those lines. If it were to happen in my lifetime it would probably look like a great big red slash right through the middle of the country, leaving a narrow bunch of west coast and the eastern seaboard and the urban midwest.
Blue state folks laugh about that and say, “So! We’ve got all the precious seaports!” (besides Houston, and I’m pretty sure we’d take San Diego too, heck, we’ll trade you Denver for it) Then we’d just have a good chuckle as we shut down the freeways into their utopia and say good luck farming all that asphalt.
Oh no! We would no longer have New York or Hollywood. How could we ever live without all that precious culture? Where would I go to have a bunch of elitist pricks tell me everyday how much of an ignorant, racist, inbred, hillbilly, bumpkin I am out here in fly-over country clinging to my guns and religion?
Where will I be without NBC (a subsidiary of GE) to hit my kids over the head with global warming and ice floe drifting polar bears every thirty seconds? (see that big styrafoam bonfire over there, yep, that one’s for you, Al Gore)
We would lose all of the best liberal-arts and law schools (aw shucks). Where would we be without Columbia or Harvard? (even though when I was at po’ ol’ hillbilly Utah State, our business majors absolutely smoked Stanford’s business school in all areas of testing even though our yearly tuition would maybe pay for their valet parking for a week). Where would we be without a bunch of PhDs who’ve never done anything useful in their entire lives besides pontificate to a bunch of other academic weenies about how superior they are to us red-staters?
Oh, whatever would we do?
Man, maybe this Russian guy is onto something. Now if only he could learn to read a frigging map.
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